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Once I worked with a team on resolving a conflict that had been perpetuated for (are you ready?) 32 years! No one involved could even remember how the conflict in a particular work area of the manufacturing plant had started, but the grudges had manifested themselves over the years in diminished productivity, production bottlenecks, high stress and low employee morale. Not only had the company suffered, but the bitterness had taken a daily toll on the individuals involved. As employees openly or sneakily struck out at their “enemies,” they struggled as well. Like Hubert Humphrey said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”
Conflict does not have to be destructive. Any body builder knows that resistance strengthens muscles, though it is sometimes painful. “Resistance” or conflicts can have the same strengthening effect on work teams—if they are honestly and respectfully discussed and negotiated.
Conflict inevitably surfaces in the workplace. In fact, in the most psychologically healthy workplaces, the need to resolve differences in approach and opinion arises often. However, when it does, it serves to strengthen and energize the workplace rather than to drain and deplete it. Healthy workplace conflict allows people to challenge ideas so that they can create more effective ways of doing things. Conflict enables people to learn about how their behavior affects others so they can improve how they work as team members.
What are the differences between constructive and destructive conflict? What behaviors and attitudes promote learning and good performance, versus those that destroy morale, teamwork and goal achievement? In other words, what are the secrets for capitalizing on workplace differences and making them work for you?
Dos and don’ts for effective conflict resolution
1. Don’t attack the person; do attack the problem.
Hitting below the belt and making personally demeaning statements escalate any conflict. A person who feels put down will typically look for a way to get even, and the retaliation only adds fuel to the fire. Instead of attacking a person, attack the problem. Look at how you can both contribute to making things better.
2. Don’t try to win by causing someone else to lose; do use strategies for a mutual win.
The fact is, when you are able to score a “victory” by making someone else feel like a loser, the conflict is not over! This solution is tenuous and temporary at best. However, when two people work together to find ways to meet their needs, the solutions last longer. Both can commit their energies to finding a solution to the problem instead of trying to even the score.
3. Don’t use domination, intimidation or manipulation; do use direct, assertive, honest and respectful discussion.
Domination, intimidation and manipulation are win-lose strategies designed to gain power and control over someone else. When you use them, you may manage to get immediate compliance, but you lose big time in the long run as you develop a reputation as a bully and forfeit the goodwill that inspires co-workers to come to your aid when you need it. (And you will!) You get the best results by making clear and direct statements that take into account the positions of all who are involved. Honesty combined with respect goes a long way toward generating cooperation and achievement.
4. Don’t create undercurrents that block problem solving; do bring issues to the surface so that they can be solved and collaboration can occur.
Many people do not like conflict and try to avoid it at all costs. Instead they let little resentments build. Growing resentments can block cooperation and can actually give rise to insidious passive-aggressive behaviors like sarcasm, avoidable delays and talking behind someone’s back. It is much more productive to bring issues to the surface and talk about them in a respectful way so that some kind of action plan can be made and the issue can be resolved.
5. Don’t focus on your own agenda without concern for other people; do take the time to see the world through the eyes of others by actively listening.
Common ailments that contribute to conflicts are nearsightedness and tunnel vision. It’s easy to focus only on what you want and need, without taking into account the legitimate concerns of others. As Benjamin Whichcote said, “None are so empty as those who are full of themselves.”
Do take the time to really hear how the other person views the situation without becoming defensive. In order to understand the problem fully and to put together an action plan that works, you need to know all the relevant information, including the answer to the important question, “What’s it like to be on the other side of this conflict?”
Choose now to form the habits of mutually respectful communication about differences, and you’ll be rewarded with an unprecedented level of workplace growth, energy and achievement.
Harmony, after all, is not about everyone singing the same note, but about singing different notes and blending them together.
Beverly Smallwood, Ph.D., is a psychologist, professional speaker, author and workplace specialist who may be contacted at 877.226.5323, or at
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