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The ability to give meaningful feedback is at the heart of all good face-to-face communication. Without an honest assessment of performance—whether good or bad—you are limiting or undercutting the value of every interaction, and you are most certainly falling short as a leader and failing to help your employees evolve and develop.

If you were to give yourself a grade for how effective you are at giving feedback, what grade would you choose? Many leaders are brutally honest and give themselves an F. They realize that they don’t make giving feedback a standard part of meetings and discussions. They give general praise (“Good job!”) versus specific feedback (“Here’s what you did extremely well on this project….”), and they often don’t give feedback at all or wait so long to give it that it does little good for the person receiving it.

The truth is that most of us would be significantly more effective at work if we gave others feedback sooner and more regularly. It helps all of us work better. It helps us to recognize blind spots, know what to keep doing (and when to think about changing specific behaviors), and it helps build relationships with those who give us the gift of their advice.

Although we all might like to blame the challenges of giving feedback on external circumstances, in fact the biggest barrier to giving feedback is often ourselves. It is difficult for most of us to offer criticism when we are looking someone in the eye. We’re concerned about how a person will react. At the same time, we want to minimize conflict or protect our ego. Both lead to postponing the conversation or not having it at all.

However, feedback is best given within a face-to-face context, as it is most likely to be well received and acted upon. When sitting down with an employee in person, we are better able to respond to his or her defensiveness, to mitigate criticism with recognition of achievements, and to give someone time to absorb the message. There is simply no substitute for personal interaction when it comes to imparting honest feedback.

There are four key issues that can hurt your overall effectiveness as a leader, in particular when you need to give feedback:

• Emotion
  Feeling or being emotional will affect the delivery of your message and might cause your listener to shut down.
• Ambiguity
  A lack of clarity often causes others to make assumptions and may lead to unnecessary fear or worry.
• Time
  Feeling pressed for time might mean that you go too fast when giving feedback, do not listen, or mishear important details, all of which can lead to ineffective communication or misunderstanding.
• Stress
  Being stressed affects your ability to deliver your message in a direct, non-threatening and helpful way.

If you’re receiving feedback, falling into one or more of these four traps might prevent you from embracing the feedback you receive and understanding its true intention. By avoiding these pitfalls or just by being aware of them, you are in a better position to be open to feedback and to avoid misinterpretation and overreaction.

The four Fs
When you’re ready to give feedback, timing matters. First, choose a time when you are at your best, and in the right frame of mind, so that there’s the greatest chance that your comments will be heard, understood and appreciated. Your credibility as a leader is at stake.

Once you’re ready, ask the other person if they’re open to hearing what you have to say. If so, proceed. If not, schedule a follow-up. Either way, offering a choice gets you off on the right foot. (But don’t let them off the hook if they’re not ready. Be persistent and let them know that you have an important message for them that affects how they work.)

Once you pick the right time, here are the “Four Fs of Feedback” to help you move your grade from an F to an A:

1. Frame
   Set up the discussion and provide context as to why you’re sharing feedback, including your motivation and intent. (Most often, your intention is to be helpful, and it’s critical to say that to establish a positive context for the discussion.) As you might expect, when employees are on the defensive, they are less likely to respond to and act on the comments. Here’s what a good approach might sound like: “I need to share some feedback with you. Are you open to that right now? My intention is for this to be helpful to you and for you—and us—to be more effective. If it were me, I would want to receive this feedback.”
2. Feedback
   Discuss what went well or what could be better, and suggest an alternative. Feedback should never be personal; discuss a specific behavior and then the consequence. For example, “This behavior had this consequence, and here’s what I’d prefer to see…” Avoid emotionally charged language or judgments, and just state the facts as they are.
3. Feelings
   Check to see how effectively you’re communicating by creating a two-way dialogue. A simple “How do you feel about what I just said?” gives a person permission to respond and to share their impressions and understanding—and any context that you might not know about that might explain their behavior. Let them respond without interruption, then clarify or amplify, if needed.
4. Follow-up
   Discuss specific next steps and how you can help. This is also your chance to help your staff understand that feedback has become an important part of your leadership style, and that you’re fostering an environment in which it will become common. Make sure they understand feedback is a two-way street, and that you expect them to feel comfortable sharing it and other ideas in the spirit of continuous improvement. (Of course, this means you must demonstrate the same behaviors when receiving feedback that you expect of your people when you give it.)

Being timely and direct are essential for success. Add a little humanity and caring, and you have a recipe for successfully giving feedback that will build valued, trusting relationships.